Theatre
Please click on the plays below to read excerpts.
Fair Phyllis - a cosy murder mystery
(performed by Allestree Theatre Group)
Socrates {co written with John Raybould}
(performed by Derby Rep Club)
The Pearly Gates
The Pearly Gates is a romantic comedy.
Two Demons and an Angel, both responsible for handling the bureaucracy at the Pearly Gates, become embroiled in a heart rending love triangle. The relationship between Demon Dee and her lover Norman, one that has up to now lasted 500 years, is ripped apart by Norman’s promotion to junior Angel. Security Demon Bob hovers nearby, hoping to benefit from their estrangement.
Meanwhile the characters of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet arrive, in the correct order, for after-life processing. The Capulets and the Montagues have to share a waiting room while they await their fate.
The Pearly Gates was performed by members of the Derby Shakespeare Company in 2013 at the Derby Rep Club Theatre.
If you like this snippet and would like to perform The Pearly Gates with your theatre company, please get in touch.
ACT ONE
ANNOUNCER; Beware the love of Demons, for it “is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.”
Music; A few bars of the chorus of ‘For there are three steps to heaven.’
Eddie Cochran
ANGEL NORMAN sits on his chair (where the pearly gate ribbon is anchored)looking through a pile of papers.
DEMON DEE ‘throws someone’ through the Hell side of the screen.
DEMON DEE; Go to hell! (pointing at the exit to see if ANGEL NORMAN understands her joke) Go to hell. Get it?
ANGEL NORMAN; (ignores her) You say that joke every day. It was funny once.
DEMON DEE walks towards ANGEL NORMAN.
DEMON DEE; Look at you. My Angel Norman. No-one would ever know you'd been a Demon once, would they?
ANGEL NORMAN ignores DEMON DEE and continues to look through the papers.
DEMON DEE caresses ANGEL NORMAN'S wings.
DEMON DEE CONT’D; We was wonderful together wasn't we, Angel Norman?
ANGEL NORMAN; Nothing’s changed, Demon Dee. I've just got promoted to Junior Angel that's all.
DEMON DEE; (turning away in a temper) That's not all! I can't be your girlfriend no more! You should never have got made a Angel! S’not fair!
ANGEL NORMAN; You are still my girlfriend. It’s only my wing colour that’s changed. I’m the same person!
DEMON DEE; No, you’ve changed. You’re good, and punctual, and you don’t like my jokes no more.
DEMON DEE sits sideways on her chair (on the other end of the ribbon), her back turned on Angel Norman.
ANGEL NORMAN; We’ve not got time to argue now. There’s a bank manager from Derby arriving any minute. He was hurt in a lawnmower accident.
DEMON DEE; (turns round to face Angel Norman) Anyone killed?
ANGEL NORMAN;(sarcastic) Well, he was obviously.
DEMON DEE; I mean was anyone else killed?
ANGEL NORMAN; His dog got caught up in the cable. It appears they were both electrocuted.
DEMON DEE; Poor doggie. I’ll poke that man with something sharp for being so stupid.
ANGEL NORMAN'S mobile phone rings.
ANGEL NORMAN; Yes Boss. OK Boss. I’ll be right there. (puts his phone away.)Sorry, I’ve got to go to a meeting. Can you take care of things?
DEMON DEE; Yeah of course. I can handle the Pearly Gates for a while. You go ahead.
Exit ANGEL NORMAN via Judgement door.
DEMON DEE paces up and down practising kung fu kicks.
Sound of Angelic voices singing “Alleluia! Alleluia!” from the Alleluia chorus.
DEMON DEE; We have incoming …
A man arrives looking lost and confused. He is wearing gardening clothes and holds the charred orange cable of a lawn mower.
DEMON DEE ducks round the screen on the Hell side, peeping out.
DEMON DEE; (In deep sonorous tones) Welcome to the Underworld. Your presence is important to us - we apologise for the delay.
The man looks around in panic.
DEMON DEE CONTD; If you have recently died, please press 1. If you are seriously ill and expecting to die, please press 2. If you have taken mind expanding drugs and ought to be elsewhere, please press 3. For all other enquiries, or, if you do not have a touch-tone phone, please hold and one of our advisors will be with you as soon as possible.
She sings typical ‘on hold’ music as the man searches, in confusion and fear, for a telephone.
DEMON DEE CONTD; You are now in a queue. Please be aware, your death experience may be recorded for training purposes.
Enter ANGEL NORMAN via Judgement door.
ANGEL NORMAN; Demon Dee? Where are you?
DEMON DEE reappears.
ANGEL NORMAN (CONT’D); What are you doing?!
DEMON DEE;(standing) Nothing.
ANGEL NORMAN;(to the man) I’m sorry about that. What’s your name?
NIGEL; Er, Hopper. Nigel Hopper.
DEMON DEE; What sort of name is that?
NIGEL; (terrified) What?
ANGEL NORMAN; Never mind her. Please fill in these forms.
DEMON DEE passes some forms and a pen over the ‘gates’.
NIGEL moves to the shadows to fill them in.
ANGEL NORMAN (CONT’D); I’ve told you not to mess about like this. These poor souls are confused enough as it is. They’re lost and scared.
DEMON DEE; I was just having a bit of fun. Do you remember fun? I don’t expect so.(sighs) I’m bored. It’s the same everyday. Dead people, covered in gore, wandering around saying, ‘Am I dead?’. I mean what a stupid question.
ANGEL NORMAN; What do you expect? You’re working at the Pearly Gates, not a nightclub. Anyway not all of them are covered in gore. Some are sweet and cuddly like that cat we had earlier. He was cute.
DEMON DEE; Whatever.
ANGEL NORMAN returns to his chair by the Gates. Reads his papers.
DEMON DEE paces like a caged tiger.
DEMON DEE; Angel Norman?
ANGEL NORMAN; Hmmmm?
DEMON DEE; (awkward) I know I keep asking, but I really need to know.
ANGEL NORMAN; Yes?
DEMON DEE; How long is you going to be a Angel?
ANGEL NORMAN; Oh, not that again. (lowers papers in frustration)
DEMON DEE; Well you brought it up earlier. I wasn’t going to say nothing.
ANGEL NORMAN; I didn’t say anything about it.
DEMON DEE; Oh, you so did bring it up earlier.
ANGEL NORMAN; (irritated) Did not.
DEMON DEE; I don’t want to put pressure on you or nothing, it’s just it’s hard for me to live like this. (whine) When I swear, you look all holy. I’m a Demon, I can’t be good. I’ll go mad if I try. How long will it be, Angel Norman?
ANGEL NORMAN looks through his papers again. He looks serene.
ANGEL NORMAN; I keep telling you, I don’t know. A year. A hundred years. Maybe I’ll be an Angel for ever.
DEMON DEE; Forever?!
ANGEL NORMAN; How should I know?! It’s not up to me. It’s up to the Boss.
DEMON DEE; Oh, it was so much more fun when we was both Demons. Do you remember how bad we was together?
ANGEL NORMAN; Yes. I do. It was lovely, but (defensive) I couldn’t help getting promoted.
DEMON DEE; Maybe we should split up.
ANGEL NORMAN stops looking at his papers. Turns to face DEMON DEE.
ANGEL NORMAN; I beg your pardon?
DEMON DEE; But we can’t split up, ‘cos I love you.
ANGEL NORMAN; I love you too.
DEMON DEE approaches ANGEL NORMAN and caresses his wings.
DEMON DEE; It's just that Angel Sue told me I have to be good to stay working here with you. If you’re going to be a Angel forever that means I have to be good forever. And I can't. I just can't. It's completely doing my head in. If you're bad then the Boss might take away your nasty white wings and give you pretty red horns again. Then everything will be how it was.
ANGEL NORMAN; (sighs) Why can't you love me as I am?
DEMON DEE turns away in despair.
DEMON DEE; It’s just not the same.
ANGEL NORMAN; I feel the same about you as I always have.
DEMON DEE; If you can’t be a Demon, I’m going to have to leave you.
ANGEL NORMAN stands, reaching out to DEMON DEE.
ANGEL NORMAN; (shocked and upset) No, don’t leave me! I don't think I could go on without you. I love you like the - um, Oh, I never was good at poetry.
DEMON DEE; Couldn’t you try to do bad things?
ANGEL NORMAN; OK, I’ll try to be a bit bad if that will make you happy.
DEMON DEE; Thanks, Angel Norman. I reckon, if you’re just a bit naughty now and then, pick your nose or something, or be rude, then you’ll get made a Demon again.
ANGEL NORMAN; Alright, I’ll try.
ANGEL NORMAN and DEMON DEE sit on their chairs. Pause.
DEMON DEE; Did you know that dog’s noses can go sideways?
ANGEL NORMAN; What’s that got to do with anything?
DEMON DEE; Not a lot.
NIGEL appears at the ‘gates’ with his forms.
ANGEL NORMAN opens the gate and beckons him through.
ANGEL NORMAN; (looking at forms) Electrocuted self and dog with lawn mower. (to Nigel) Was it an accident?
NIGEL; I didn’t do it on purpose! I stepped back and-
DEMON DEE; Ah, you stepped backwards. You’re not supposed to do that. Did you have a circuit breaker?
NIGEL; No.
ANGEL NORMAN; That was really stupid. You must be a really stupid man. (looks to DEMON DEE for approval)
DEMON DEE;(clapping her hands in glee) Way to go, Angel Norman! Our stupid, stupid man will have to be judged. Hop along, Mr Hopper.
ANGEL NORMAN; Someone will be with you shortly to interview you - and (aside to man) sorry I was rude.
NIGEL; (looking around) Am I dead?
DEMON DEE silently mimics the question behind Nigel.
ANGEL NORMAN; I’m sorry. Yes, you are. Very. Please go through the Judgement door.
Exit NIGEL through Judgement door.
ANGEL NORMAN and DEMON DEE sit by the Gates.
DEMON DEE tries to make her nose go sideways. She gives ANGEL NORMAN a wicked grin.
DEMON DEE; That was brilliant. You was rude. Try swearing. I love swearing.
ANGEL NORMAN; I’m not sure I could manage that.
DEMON DEE; ‘Course you can, it’s easy when you let yourself go. Have a go now.
ANGEL NORMAN shakes his head.
DEMON DEE CONT’D; Go on, try saying … futtock.
ANGEL NORMAN; (very small voice) Futtock.
DEMON DEE; (delighted) Yay! That wasn’t so bad was it? Now try F…
Sound of Angelic voices singing “Alleluia. Alleluia”.
DEMON DEE (CONT’D); No rest for the wicked.
A man, dressed in Shakespearian costume turns up at the gate covered in blood.
ANGEL NORMAN and DEMON DEE stand to greet him.
ANGEL NORMAN; Name?
MERCUTIO; My name?
ANGEL NORMAN; (sarcastic) No, mine. (sighs) Your name. What is it?
MERCUTIO; Mercutio.
DEMON DEE; You’re brilliant, Angel Norman. I love it when you’re rude.(to Mercutio) Where's your D60?
MERCUTIO; What?
DEMON DEE; I need form D60.
MERCUTIO; What?
DEMON DEE; Is that all you can say? I can’t start processing your claim to the afterlife without form D60.
ANGEL NORMAN; Demon Dee, stop it! (to the man) I’m so sorry. There’s no such thing as a D60, she’s having a little joke. All you have to do is fill these in. (hands forms over) That’s the AF 1 and the AF 14.
MERCUTIO; A - F?
ANGEL NORMAN; After Life 1 and After Life 14. It’s all quite straightforward; just fill in any relevant sections. Here’s a pen.
MERCUTIO takes the forms and moves back into the shadows, looking in confusion at the pen.
DEMON DEE; What did you do that for?
ANGEL NORMAN; Do what?
DEMON DEE; Explain the rules to him. That's what good people do. It's much more fun when they're scared and confused, don't you remember?
ANGEL NORMAN; I'm sorry Demon Dee. I'll try harder.
Enter SECURITY DEMON BOB from Hell door.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; (enthusiastically) We’ve got some trouble makers coming. Sharpen the sharp things, Demon Dee, I think we’re going to need them.
DEMON DEE rubs her hands together. Exits via Hell door.
ANGEL NORMAN; Security Demon Bob, can I have a quick word?
They move centre stage.
ANGEL NORMAN (CONT’D); I’m really worried. I think -( his voice rises as he tries to suppress tears) I think Dee and I might be splitting up. We’ve been together for five hundred years. (sniff)
SECURITY DEMON BOB; Are you sure?
ANGEL NORMAN; Yes, it’s five hundred years next Friday.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; (patient) No, are you sure you’re splitting up?
ANGEL NORMAN; She said so just now. She said she might have to leave me.
SECURITY DEMON BOB puts his arm round ANGEL NORMAN.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; But why? You’re so good together.
ANGEL NORMAN; Because of my promotion to Junior Angel.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; Why didn’t Demon Dee make it to the same grade at the same time as you?
ANGEL NORMAN; She’s never managed to score above three on the Goodness Ranking Tests. Put her in a room with a little kitten and there’s a risk she might eat it. Ask her to help an old lady and she still thinks it’s funny if they fall over. (ANGEL NORMAN goes misty eyed) I met her when we were both in Hell, working as Junior Demons. Oh, she was a dream. Our red wings would touch and it was – Electric…
SECURITY DEMON BOB looks at his watch.
ANGEL NORMAN CONT’D; We fell in love. Five hundred years of happiness.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; (not listening) That’s nice.
ANGEL NORMAN; She wants me to be bad so I get changed back, but every time I try, I feel ill. (tearful) I just can’t do it.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; Why do you stay with her?
ANGEL NORMAN; Because I love her.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; But if you’re so unhappy-
ANGEL NORMAN; I know, but I’ll be even more unhappy without her.
SECURITY DEMON BOB; How do you know that? Maybe you should stop trying to please her, be yourself, be a full Angel. If her love is genuine then she should love you as a Demon or an Angel.
ANGEL NORMAN; I daren’t try that. I love her beyond words. I depend on her. She’s my life. I’ve simply got to learn to be bad and get her back. It’s the only way.
Please contact me if you want to read more or perform this play. Thank you for your interest.
Fair Phyllis
What would drive a member of an amateur madrigal group to murder?
Who killed Phyllis? A cosy murder mystery.
Fair Phyllis was performed by members of the Allestree Theatre Company in 2006
If you like this snippet and would like to perform Fair Phyllis with your theatre company, please get in touch.
FAIR PHYLLIS
Act 1 Peter’s living room
Act 2 Police station
Act 3 scene 1 Phyllis’ living room, previous evening 8.00PM
scene 2 Phyllis’ living room, one hour later
Characters
Ben Taylor: Rachel Burrows’ boyfriend. Having affair with Phyllis Bambra.
Marjorie Fields: Close friends with Rachel Burrows and Phyllis Bambra.
Peter Alright: Leader of madrigal group. Member of Residents Association and Neighbourhood Watch.
Phyllis Bambra: Close friends with Marjorie Fields and Rachel Burrows. Fancies Ben Taylor.
Rachel Burrows: Ben Taylor’s girlfriend.
Music
Fair Phyllis madrigal at beginning, between each act and at end.
Act 1
Curtains open to reveal PETER’S living room. Framed photos of dogs everywhere, prize cups and rosettes on shelves.
Doorbell rings, dogs bark off stage.
PETER walks towards the door stage left.
Peter; Quiet!
The dogs instantly stop barking.
Enter RACHEL and BEN.
Peter; (big and loud) Come on in you two. How are you?
Ben; Fine thanks * * * * Rachel; Awful.
Peter; (not listening) Good. Let me take your coats. Tea, coffee or (suggestive tone) something stronger?
He doesn’t wait for their reply. He takes their coats and opens the door to the kitchen, talking to his dogs as he exits stage right…ad lib, Good boy etc.
RACHEL stands, searching in her bag.
Ben;(irritated) What have you lost now?
Rachel; I forgot to bring my pencil. Peter told me off last week for not having anything to make notes on my music.
Ben; You rebel.
Rachel; The man’s a tyrant.
Rachel brushes the dog hairs off the sofa and sits down. BEN looks at some of the trophies.
Ben; First prize obedience 2006 Worfdale Stargazer. That’s his great big labrador isn’t it? Scares me to death.
RACHEL doesn’t answer, she is busy sorting out their music.
Ben Continued; By the way, if he offers us his home-made wine again, please try to be more polite about it. You were really rude last week.
Rachel; It was disgusting. You could’ve cleaned the sink with it.(blows her nose noisily on a tissue) Were we supposed to fetch Philly this week?
Ben; No, Marje said she’d do it this time.
Rachel; (looking for somewhere to put her tissue) That’s good. It’s a relief not to have her in the car. I get so sick of her voice going on and on.(lobs tissue)
Ben; I agree. It’s a pain. That’s why I got Marje to get her. After all they only live round the corner from each other. I don’t see why I should do it.
Enter Peter with a tray of glasses and a bottle of wine.
Peter; No Phyllis today?
Ben; Yes she’s coming. Marje said she’d pick her up.
Peter; Marjorie? That’s no good Ben. She’s always late. That means they’ll both be late. It makes me so cross.
Rachel; Philly should learn to drive.
Peter; It’s bad manners to be late. Anyway, it can’t be helped now. But next time Ben, I’d rather you did it.
Ben; It’s a bit out of my way.
Peter; Nonsense. A little inconvenience for you may be, but better for the group. I’ll get some nibbles.
Exit Peter.
Ben; I’m going to ask Peter if we can drop that sad song. You know… ‘she weepeth sore tears in the night …’ (sung as a comic wail).
RACHEL ignores him, BEN stops.
Ben; (continued) What’s up? You’re being really sulky this evening.
Rachel; Nothing.
Ben; Mmmm I know that ‘nothing’, it means ‘get off my back or I’ll bite you’.
Rachel; Something like that. (cough)
PETER enters with a bowl of snacks.
Peter; Here we are. Any word from the others?
Rachel; Not yet. Peter, would it be possible to spend some extra time on that old song? You know, the one where they weep sore in the night?
RACHEL smiles maliciously at BEN who looks puzzled at her aggression.
Peter; Excellent choice. We can concentrate on that one tonight if you like.(pouring wine for them both and takes his glass to the window) I know you two, you like a tipple while we sing. This is my gooseberry. It’s quite young, but it has a pleasant bouquet.
Peter holds his glass up to the light. Ben and Rachel exchange a glance, pick up their wine and Ben watches as Rachel takes a tentative sip. Peter is looking out of the window. She grimaces and they both pour some of their wine into a nearby plant pot. Peter turns round suddenly.
Peter; Are you going to the Resident’s Association Area Panel meeting tomorrow?
RACHEL and BEN recover quickly and react with non-comital grunts.
Peter; Ben?
Ben; Er, well… I’m not sure I can make it.
Peter; (angry) It’s just this kind of apathy that’s sending this country to the dogs. We have to make a stand. Do you want drive by shootings on Delphinium Drive and drugs on Acacia Close? That’s what’ll happen!
Rachel; Calm down, this is Allestree. Nothing bad happens in Allestree.
Peter; Phyllis is coming. I managed to persuade her last night. She’s having so much trouble with the youth round there.
Rachel; Ah, the ‘Youth’.
Peter; (temper again) How would you like it if you had eggs thrown at your house and lads lurking in your garden?
RACHEL acknowledges this with a tip of her head.
Peter; We had a bit of a row actually. She said the lads need something to occupy them, a youth club. I said they need to join the army. National Service. That’ll occupy them.
Peter sits.
Peter; I do wish they’d hurry up. (He gets out his music and melodica.) How did the singing workshop go last night Ben?
Ben; (smiles awkwardly) Fine thanks…
RACHEL looks at BEN with faint amusement.
Rachel; (faintest hint of sarcasm) I think it’s wonderful you doing a community, world music workshop.
Peter; Yes, very commendable. We need more activities of this sort. Well done Ben. I’ll get you a biscuit.
Exit PETER to kitchen.
Rachel; You are a good dog aren’t you Benny. Have a biscuit.
BEN pants like a dog and begs.
Rachel; But actually you’ve really been a bad boy haven’t you?
BEN stops panting and tips his head on one side.
PETER’S mobile rings. He enters to answer it, voice booming. Ben freezes.
Peter; Hello?
He makes his way towards the kitchen miming apologies to BEN and RACHEL, looking puzzled by the tableau of Ben begging like a dog.
Peter; How wonderful!
We hear his voice trail off into the kitchen.
Peter; A Cairn Terrier? Isn’t that exciting!
Exit Peter.
Ben; What do you mean I’ve been a bad boy. (jokey) You mean more than normal?
Rachel; A lot more than normal.
Ben; You’re joking aren’t you. (laughs) I love the way we played around like this.
He moves to kiss her. She moves away.
Ben; Oh come on babes. Give Benjie a kiss.
Rachel; I’d rather kiss Peter right now.
Ben; What? Why?
We hear Peter as he enters still talking on the ‘phone.
Peter; Bye then. Great to hear from you.
PETER puts the ‘phone in his pocket and places plate of biscuits on the table.
Peter; My cousin’s just got a new pup. A Cairn terrier, fabulous breed. She’s called it Betty. That’s not the pedigree name obviously, just her day to day name.
BEN and RACHEL turn on smiles ad. lib.
Peter; Help yourselves. (big sigh) I think the new pup calls for a celebration don’t you. Let’s throw caution to the wind and have more wine. (he pours and drinks. The others sip) You know, I really can’t delay any more, we’ll never be ready for this concert if we have such a sloppy attitude to time keeping. It’s not fair on you two either. I think we should make a start without them.
Ben; Sorry I just need to nip to the loo.
He takes his glass with him and tips it’s contents into a pot on the staircase. He leaves the glass on the table next to the plant. We see him starting a text on his mobile as he moves to the stairs.
Exit BEN upstairs.
Peter; Did you have a nice time last night?
Rachel; (defensive) Pardon?
Peter; You and Phyllis?
Rachel; erm…
Peter; I went back to apologise. I felt I’d been a bit rude. I saw you outside her house.
Rachel; Oh. Um yes I remember. We just had a girlie chat. (awkward smile) That’s all.
Peter; Why was Marjorie there?
Rachel; Was she?(nervous laugh)
Peter; (serious) Yes. You were all there.
Rachel; Really? Well I had something to sort out. I’m not sure about the others.
Peter; (suspicious) You’re not sure about the others? (leaning forward) Can I ask you something?
Rachel; Yes.
Peter; How do you get on with Phyllis?
Rachel; Fine. Well, usually anyway. Last night I found out we have more in common than I thought.
Peter; In what way?
Please contact me if you want to read more or perform this play. Thank you for your interest.